Fighting is a collaborative art with a goal in mind

I don’t say “but.” I always say “and.”

Discussions, arguments, and fights are a **collaborative** art between two people with an end game of mutual respect and versions of truth.

They are not a battle of beating the other person for the satisfaction of winning or fear of being beat down. If it were that, why do you have each other in your life at all? (the urge to win is a whole new topic for another day)

Show respect to the point they just made even if you disagree.

“But” says rejection, putting the other on defense. People want to be heard, and “but” isn’t conducive to it.
Try replacing all of your “but”s with “and that contrasts with” or “and at the same time.” If someone’s point is completely moronic, try “and on the other hand.”

Avoid blaming

You know what else is a poor choice for starting collaboration – blame. We dispense blame so unintentionally and freely. “Why did you do this?” – if you ask this question knowing it puts 99% of people on defensive, is it conducive to collaboration?
“I’m hoping to understand __” or just make a statement “I felt __ when __ happened.


I found this clip (probably illegally posted – I’ll buy the book to make up for this repost). I believe those are good rules for life.


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