Alienated by the supposed support system

I know that feeling – when you show up filled with excitement of finally finally being supported. And that let-down that feels like a lead bowling ball in your chest.

My body has trouble controlling sugar levels, and I fall hypoglycemic seemingly out of the blue. I’d be shaking and light-headed. When I realize it’s happening, it’s already too late. No matter what I do, my day is done at that point. Shaking, nauseous, angry, I have to lie down for the rest of the day.

People are vaguely sympathetic around this point. I say “vaguely” because, you know, people don’t usually commit to the “Oh poor you!” position. They are always looking for a chance to say “Suck it up.”

So, soon enough, someone says “Just eat more.” And that’s when everything falls apart.

“I eat constantly.”

Now I’ve thrown myself to the wolves. As long as you’re skinny that’s not caused by cancer, you’re up for grabs. They aren’t looking for an excuse any more; unjustified “Oh suck it up!” starts coming out. “Oh, you’re lucky” is not noticed as being completely out of context.

There are few things that are more devastating than receiving alienation instead of support from those those one has counted on.
– a bisexual or pansexual that’s been called names by the members of the LG community.
– a transgender person that’s been excluded by the members of the LG community.
– an average-sized person who has body image issues.

Do you have any other examples?

For some reason, apparently statistics show that those who have been bullied bully. Let’s stop the cycle.


An independent woman dating: The Reality

They say they want to date me because I am independent, enjoy doing my own things, and have my baggage properly looked after and stowed. They even go so far as to say “So happy to finally found someone who’s truly independent!”

Then they are all shocked and hurt that I don’t start texting them every hour and seeing them every other day after one date.

I tried many different ways and invested hours into communicating “I very much enjoy your company and wish to see you more. I’m just… independent.” It doesn’t seem that’s what they want to hear.

I’m interested in getting to know them and, when we are together, in seeing what kind of a moment, experience, we can build together. As we get to know each other, maybe eventually I’ll want to string these moments together and see what kind of a life we can build together.

But when I’m not with them, I’d like to experience life that’s actually happening and not just be waiting/planning to see them.

Once we do get into a relationship, I will lean on you for support but will not need you for happiness. I will not satisfy your wish to feel needed, but I’ll make you feel desired. I will listen to you, be your support, look after you if you’re ill, and put our relationship as a priority. I will help you understand the difference between independent, which I am, and aloof, which I’m not.

I will not respond to a demand “as my girlfriend, you’re expected to do this,” but hopefully with understanding I will want to do it anyway.

My job is not to learn what you think you are entitled to from your girlfriend or to conform to that role. My job is to give you everything I have to give you then some.
Your job is to appreciate my company, not make me serve a function. Acknowledge and celebrate what I bring to your life, not demand that I bring a pre-determined list of functions to your life.

You may not make me a girlfriend. You may call me your girlfriend.
You will choose me. You will not “fit” me.

You will never be asked to fill a list of functions either.
You will never see me make a pro-and-con list about you.
You will never hear me compare and complain about what my friends’ partners do for them.
You will be expected to check in with me only if you had said you would.
You will be always treated as you, not as a role of a partner, and will never hear “partners are supposed to do this for me.”
You will never me take our relationship hostage “If you want to continue being my partner, you are expected to…”
You will be appreciated as who you are.

When your spouse accuses you of not meeting their needs

When your spouse says “you’re not doing this and that, and you’re not meeting my needs,” it’s very hard to hear. 
The statement might be unfair. The perception may be based on misunderstandings. Our defence mechanism might kick in.
We answer, “I’m doing this and that. You’re not seeing it right.”
Or “I’m not doing this and that, but I’m doing all these other things.”
Or “What about my needs? Here is the list of my needs you’re not meeting too.”
Or “marriage is a compromise. Get over it.”

While those statements may be true, it’s not about that, is it.

Let me show this to you this way.
If your friend told you that their spouse is not meeting their needs. Would you say these things? Or would you say “that sucks. It must be so frustrating.”

We are so so hard on the ones that are closest to us. We almost… demand perfection. No, we do.

We really only want to be supported and validated, don’t we? That’s our “needs,” isn’t it?
So, next time a spouse complains or even lays an unfair blame, I hope we could get past how incredibly personal and hurtful the blame is, get a hold of our survival instinct, and consider validating their feelings.

“I am hearing what you’re saying. It must have been really hard going on feeling like your needs are neglected.”

Because the thing is this. If we felt neglected, someone telling us we aren’t neglected doesn’t help, does it. Because it neglects how we are feeling this moment.

Open letter to Ellen re Caitlyn Jenner

We all have had obstacles in our lives. The type of devastating and persisting ones that knock us down for the count.
My life has been much easier than yours thanks to you having gone through the tremendous pain and trauma of paving the way for us.

We sometimes forget how far you changed things for me, and how difficult it still is for millions of people in spite of you.

I was never sent to an ex-gay camp.
I only lost a few close friends who couldn’t reconcile living their beliefs with letting me live mine.
My father and mother did not disown me.
I never got kicked out of the house.
I only lost one job because of my sexuality.
I never felt it affected my life significantly.

I wonder sometimes you feel like some of younger people in urban center-left cities simply couldn’t even understand what you went through.

No matter where we are in generation and geography, we have to put the effort in to remember and appreciate the people who got us where we are today. And remember and support those who are still faced with devastating obstacles. There are people, today and in the past, who had it really really really rough.

anti-gay or homophobic family and friends.
family and friends believe that the Bible teaches against homosexuality.
family and friends believe the word “marriage” is only for heterosexuals.

And I wonder.  How hard would it be if it were you instead of family and friends.

These beliefs are so strong they kept Caitlyn living in a wrong gender for 60 years.
So strong that she, after all of her physical transformations, doesn’t appear to fully sit comfortably in her own skin. Rather treat being transgender as a social issue rather than simply living it. She is too honest to avoid saying things that alienate the LGBTQ community, creating enemies one way or the other every time she speaks.

She has a lot more obstacles than we do. I propose we let her go through her journey without judgement.

New Math

Parents and teachers! I have a question. Please feel free to PM.

Is this the same as the “new math” taught in Canada now? (The website seems to be from Ohio)

The reason I ask – because I have an opinion (well, what else is new) and I’d like to talk about it if this is the case:

This is how I was taught all through school in Japan. I’m a bit shocked to learn the traditional ways the math was taught (as described in video).

It might sound unbelievable, but when we got to algebra, and then later calculus, some of us only needed to be taught the concept and calculation once to understand, solve, and apply. Literally, like 10 minutes.

Let me explain how.

We were always taught, from age 5, that math and number are tangible. Not just “hey, she has three apples, and you have 2.” It’s 2 m^2 of paper and 3/4th m^2 of paper taped together. It’s the volume or surface area of a 5 m^3 cube sliced perfectly diagonally. It’s about a tiny dot on a curve having it’s own slope.

We were raised to think that a number is not like a solid crystal. It’s more like a molecule or a dinner plate. It’s presented as one, but it’s made up of all sorts of parts. 24 is always 20 and 4, 19 and 5, 12×2, 72/3, or sqrt(576).

I can see the “new math” is really foreign and useless for people who grew up in the paradigm of “math is a tool / procedure.”

I would like to say for the record that the math I grew up in is as tangible as dissecting a frog. It’s as fun as lego. It’s easier to understand than trying to break that pesky C=C double bond.

the Primitive act of being rude to wait staff

Way more people than those who admit feel entitled to a certain action toward another person based on their occupation. 

Like yelling at a ref. Being rude to a telemarketer. Calling police officers pigs. Being rude to the wait staff.
And they’ll have a list of justifications why they deserve to be treated that way.
“Dude, don’t yell at the ref.” “BUT IT WAS OFFSIDE!!” “You know they are human beings under that stripe.” “BUT IT WAS OFFSIDE!!!!!!!”

From the ancient times to maybe as recently as the 70’s, I imagine it was important to think in hierarchy and actively put people down (into lower classes) because there was simply not enough food. We practiced pecking order like wild, uncivilised animals. Today, there are those who thought for ourselves and found a new way to live, and there are those who are rude to the wait staff.

Did anyone notice it is extremely odd to see people yelling at those occupations. There is absolutely NO WAY what just happened here – non-call on a hook, bringing a wrong order, ticketing parking violation – could have elicited this much anger. Enough anger to scream at another human being.
There is simply no way.

These days, even though there is no woolly mammoth, no great depression, and no dictator where we live, we still live in a world that makes us feel loss of control. We are so used to feeling powerless that most people don’t even notice it.
I wonder if that’s what they have a need to express. And I, deciding not to call a hooking penalty based on my professional knowledge and experience, just gave them an excuse.

When I receive this unfortunate treatment, I shrug and think to myself “Oh you. Sad, sad, caveman you.”

The “But it’s not my fault” mentality – Choosing to be guilt-free over being accountable as a team member

I’m in the corner desperately battling to create a passing lane for good 30 seconds. There are three blue jerseys between me and the closest teammate. Two blues are on top of me, and I can’t see anything even if I had time to look up and scan 120 degrees around.

I call out “Who’s there! Who’s there!”

When we all return to the bench, one of the forward tells me in an emotional tone and volume, “But I was there! I was there on the boards!!”

I was stunned that our teammates came in her defense. They seem to feel:
I was shouting too, so it’s ok she shouted.
I was calling who’s there, so she is just answering, letting you know she was there.

On the other hand, my thoughts are:
I was shouting because we were all on the ice and need to communicate loudly or we won’t hear each other. Shouting on the bench is not the same thing.
Where does she mean by “there”? It didn’t even occur to me in the slightest that the “there” in “Who’s there” is taken with such flexibility. Of course she was “there.” Everyone’s somewhere! “There” in my context is being available to receive a pass with a pretty healthy passing lane. Also, “Who’s there” is a request for teammates to start shouting back to me so I can hear where they are.

These are prime examples of a communication error originating from “coming from two different places.”

There are two approaches to this. We could approach the other party saying “Ok, something went wrong there. What can we do better next time?” Or we could shout “I was doing what I was supposed to! I’m innocent of the crime you accuse me of!!!”

What I’m really confused about is this.
I’m desperately pulling maneuvers and shouting “Who’s there!” And my teammate is standing 20 feet from me thinking “What the hell. I’m right here, doing exactly what I’m supposed to”? Instead of “Oh, for some reason she can’t see that I’m here. How can I help her find me?”?

After the play was done and we are back on the bench, shout “But I was there!” instead of “Hey, I was there, but clearly you didn’t see me. How can I help you find me?”

I hope you know I’m not talking about hockey. I’m talking about accountability.