Tough love to the “Bicurious”

This is my personal view and experience, and this post is not intended to represent or reflect the views and opinions of another LGBTQ individual or the LGBTQ community as a whole. 

Update: I just came across this post and thought I’d add something. You, as bicurious or bisexual, you may not find support where you expect it. Before you get disillusioned and scared, please know there are a lot of us like you. I wish I titled this post “tough love: dating advice to the bicurious” so it’s more emotionally accessible to you.

Believe or not, as a pansexual, agender with pretty relaxed attitude, I get those requests all the time: “I am / My friend is bicurious, and I / she would like to go on a date with you ‘to see.'”

I’m all for all shades of the rainbow and am committed not to judge. If you identify yourself as “bicurious,” all the power to you! Let me know if there is anything at all you need from me.

I just want to write about how I feel about being asked out by someone identifying as a “bicurious.”

Unlike any other, “bicurious” describes a process, not an orientation. You have been identifying yourself as straight. You are now starting to think you might also be attracted to people of the same gender. You’re not really sure what your orientation is. Do we agree?

Here is the view from where I’m standing.
See how these two things contradict: 1. If you say “I’m bicurious,” I hear (regardless of your intention) “I’m not really sure if I’m attracted to women yet.” 2. I would like to go on dates with people who are attracted to me.

Yes, I know what causes most people to identify as “bicurious.” You are in fact attracted to me, but you’re not really sure if you like the female genitalia. There, I said it. So, here is what I’d like you to consider.

– Remember you thought penises are so pleasant-looking when you first saw one and held one. No? Haha. Please adjust your expectations for the female genitalia as well. And “Hmmm. I’m not sure if I find vaginas attractive” is a perfectly normal thought. So, relax. :)

– Tough love: If you ask someone out so you can see if you like a vagina, you’re reducing your date to an experiment and the person to a vagina. I know you don’t mean to, but this is the truth. There are a lot of video (educational or pornographic) online for you to experiment with. You may be reluctant to do this research because of stigma around porn, but I hope your reluctance to hurt a human being is stronger.

– If you are ok with potentially hurting this person’s feelings, you definitely should not be asking her out on a date.

– When going out with a woman for the first time, please treat it as just a normal date. “Bicurious” means you’re curious about your sexuality, which puts the focus on exploring you, which is fine in isolation. But while on a date, please go out because you’re attracted to that person and please focus on exploring the other person.

– On that note, once you are actually asking someone out and when you’re on a date, please fully commit at least to “I am attracted to you, so I must be bi/gay?” A lot of “bicurious” women I’ve been out with make a point of telling me (their date) that they aren’t really gay: they are just curious. I understand this: they must be battling with guilt or stigma or whatever it might be. And vocalizing it makes them feel better about it. Please find another friend to vocalize it with.

– If you go out on a date with me and realize you’re not interested in my gender in romantic or sexual contexts, please do not tell me that the reason you don’t want to see me again is my gender. This is a tough one to explain, so let me give you an analogy.
Say you’re selling your beloved sports car. Someone comes and takes it out on a 2-hour test drive and then tells you “Well, I haven’t decided if I want a sports car or a pick-up yet.” You feel “Why did you waste my time then if you’re not even sure about the whole entire category?”

– It is entirely ok to ask me “I’m bicurious, and I’m wondering if you could talk with me to help me explore my sexuality.”

– It’s entirely ok to ask a woman on a date and tell her right off the get-go “I’m attracted to you, but I have no experience dating a woman and am not really sure about the sex part” and let her decide if she wants to go out with you. Do not take it personally if that person reacts with anger/hurt. We have all been hurt by a bicurious who made us feel like we were reduced to an “experiment.”

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask!!

This is my personal view and experience, and this post is not intended to represent or reflect the views and opinions of another LGBTQ individual or the LGBTQ community as a whole. 


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