Fear stunts growth

Addiction can stunt our emotional and psychological growth.
I see that in fear. Fear can stunt our maturing. 

I have a friend. She had a rough childhood, and her priority is to prevent pain and hurt. That’s the very highest priority.

Everything else is secondary to that. Including people around her and their feelings.

Normal “conversations” and “discussions” are seen as confrontations. Confrontations are seen as a challenge to her being right. Challenge to her being correct is seen as a precursor to abandonment.
Difference in opinion is seen as a threat. It’s seen as challenging her being right. Challenging her being correct is seen as a challenge to her being worthy. 

Only way to survive being her friend is to smile and only say nice and harmless things.
Safe things.
So I’m not seen as telling her she’s wrong. So I’m not seen as telling her she’s not worthy.

The most effective way to prevent me from abandoning her is to abandon me first.

She goes for the figurative jugular.
She never says she’s sorry. 

It’s worked for her since she was 3. It’s what she relied on to feel safe for three decades. There is no reason to change, is there. What if she tries to change and the new mechanism doesn’t work? It hurt too much. 

If her friends don’t like it, they can leave, can’t they. Except they never leave her. She leaves first.

Fear has stunned her growth.

The game of hurt

 

I know why you treat me this way.
I know why you give more attention and attentiveness to people you have to chase.

The easiest way to deal with hurt is to pass it on.

When you were growing up, love that was important to you was taken from you. You chased and chased so valiantly. You were so little then. You never got to change it. You keep doing it now as if to tilt the game in your favour on average.

When you gave love so freely as a child, people dismissed it and discarded it, didn’t they. It taught you that love that’s given freely is of no value.

And this is how these manifest today.

Making people prove themselves over and over.
Freely pointing out their short-comings. Putting people down and calling it teasing. Supporting their actions and choices only when you agree with them.
And, if they try to discuss these matters, cutting them off saying they can leave if they don’t like it.

They are not the people who abandoned you in the past. They give you love, and maybe at some point they’ll leave you. But they do not deserve to be tested this way, and these tests do inflict real pain. You keep doing that, and they eventually leave you. You use these in support of your point that they are not to be trusted, but in reality they are a self-fulfilling prophesy.

You have a choice today to stop inflicting pain and stop refusing to give them the trust they’ve earned.

Keep bracing for abandonment
I know the other reason you test your people. It’s easier that way when they do leave.

You have something tangible as a reason they abandoned you, so you can tell yourself that you as a person isn’t a failure. Every now and again, hurt them a little. So you’ll always have a fresh event to blame.

Everything is secondary to preventing pain. 
Everything is readily discarded to give priority to preventing pain. Sure, this is ok when the pain was so unbearable when you were a kid.

This mechanism was so effective that you were able to block all pain, didn’t you. And you ended up robbing yourself of the experience to learn to accept pain, manage pain, heal from it, and use it to grow wiser. Only thing you know is to prevent it.

You have a choice today. Keep doing what you’ve been doing – it has been working, hasn’t it – and consider everything and everyone dispensable. Or find a new mechanism that prevents big ones but lets you trust people.

No one is good enough for you.
If you got this far, I thank you for it. I didn’t think you would.

And, if I know you at all, you’re thinking “I don’t treat you that way.” Sorry, you do.

And you’re probably thinking, “I have friends who earned my trust and that I trust.” This isn’t true.

How many times have they sat you down and told you that you’ve hurt their feelings, they disagreed with your choices, or helped you see your accountability in certain events? In other words, have they truly trust you to provide friendship that you deserve? Or are they giving you companionship and verbal expression of love that you feel safe with because you know they’ll enable you and never confront you?

 

You have a choice today.

 

“Free” = no value

I know the supply and demand curve.
I know the concept of supply management.
I know many see free as valueless and endless.

And I choose to flood my friends with love.

Love doesn’t have to be romantic love for it to hurt. Some days are really hard.
No, I’m not looking for reciprocation or reward.
But, because of my choices, I make myself a target for people who are looking for targets.

And again I choose to flood my friends with love.

I have no business doing that. I’m not an enlightened person. I’m not above it. It hurts like hell when people take advantage.
People who give unconditional love are often a target of such mistreatment – ask your friends how many of them have yelled at their parents.

Do they remember what happened when their parents tried to draw the line? They probably yelled “You’re not my mom!” or “I don’t need you!” or even “I wish you go away and never come back!” Once I even heard “I wish you die!” Such cruel, personal attack that is not at all related to the topic at hand.

So, yes, I know what I’m getting is a result of what I’m doing. I need to change this equation. But, at the same time, today I again make the same choice to love.

 

Black lives matter is for everyone

I’m not black, and I know first hand what it’s like to live in a city where my experience of life is different than everyone else’s.
And no one understands. Well, no. They refuse to acknowledge I’m telling the truth. “It just couldn’t be true. This is Canada,” they say.

[my friends] don’t even realise they just admitted my rights aren’t protected unless I give them up first.

They tell me that my rights as a employee, a citizen, a human being, is protected. They list the Charter, the Code, the Act, the Regulations.
WHILE I’m telling them what’s actually happening to me. Pleading please hear my words that the laws only define what’s illegal: it does not protect me, and it isn’t even designed to so.

I’ve lost two jobs to discrimination or abuse and about to lose one. I told nothing but the truth to my friends.
“The accountant randomly walks into my office and beat me over the head with a 4-inch-thick file on the binding side, not the loose side. Yes, I’ve reported it to the boss many times.”
“Company meetings and Friday beers turn into them praying for forgiveness on my homosexual sins.”
“The husband of the higher-up decided he wanted my job. No qualification. He got my job.”

People do look at me like they think I’m overreacting. Some even said “well, that’s your side of the story.”

“Why don’t you leave and find a new job then?” they conclude. I walk away from these conversations. They don’t even realise they just admitted my rights aren’t protected unless I give them up first. This is the gap where discrimination thrives. “If it’s unsafe to go to a store at night, just shop during the daylight”?

The isolation is not based on my experience and how I am treated.

The isolation originates from others’ unwillingness to admit that maybe they aren’t perfect.
Maybe they have to admit, as painful as it may be, that their city, their government, their country isn’t perfect. It sucks. Canadians and Americans  never had to do that.
I have. Years of learning history in school realising what the Japanese did in China, Korea, and pearl harbour only two generations ago. The shame, the intense anger and pain, but you have to face and admit that the country you love is just not perfect. And we have to be the ones to fix it, not ignore it.  

Please watch this video by Sarah O’Neal.

Not smiling at a cashier: rude or right?

Telling a child to smile is to teach a child they do not have autonomy over their body. It’s simple. I don’t care if you want to take a photo. You’re also taking their independence.

I was one of those kids.

I grew up being known as the kid with a smile even though I was beaten every day at home.

My ex-boyfriend often grabbed me by the wrist. We had different opinions on what fun thing to do next on a Sunday. He decided that he was going to win that argument by physiccally moving me in that direction. I thought nothing of it.

My ex-girlfriend often accused me of various choices leading to hurting her feelings. I used to just stand there listening to her scream and yell for at least an hour, sometimes involving punching me, while noting to myself that she did that every week at 11 am on Saturday no matter what I did or didn’t do that week. I didn’t even realize that it was not normal to allow someone to steal hours of my life a week in this fashion and take away my autonomy over my physical presence there.

If I approach a cashier, who is a human being with feelings, I should try to be polite even at the deepest darkest moment of my life. A smile will have to be faked. By telling me to smile, you tell me to fake.

Do not tell a child, man, or woman to smile.

 

Inspired by:

 

 

Adopting dogs vs shopping dogs

Adopting is like dating, and shopping is like arranged marriage. Buying a puppy from a breeder is not like arranged marriage where the person is an adult? Well, where I come from, the recommendations and selections were made with a resume and my aunt vouching for the man’s personality based on their parents’ personality where my aunt has possibly never met the man. So, yeah, arranged marriage is just like buying a puppy from a breeder.

Surely they both have pros and cons.

What I don’t understand is, though, with the human world shifting more and more toward meeting and dating, not set-ups and arranged marriages, pretty exclusively in the area I’ve lived in, why are people still buying dogs from breeders?

 

Listen, internet haters

Whenever someone praises “Hey, this guy did it this way!,” and it’s something you’re doing too except in an average way, what you hear is “and you’re a FAILURE for not doing it this way!”
In your mind, the safety and confidence of where you stand, how you’re doing, has been shaken up by this guy being way out there. You have to take that guy down. You have to make him wrong. Because that’s the only way you’re doing ok, you pass, you’re not a failure. 
Most recently, a guy in his 30’s paid off his mortgage in 3 years by doing nothing but working. Nobody said to you “What a sucker you are for giving away so much money to the bank over 20 years.” But that’s what you hear. He has become a target of online hate.
Let me tell you what it really is.
It’s hurt.
You remember things. I do too.
I worked really really hard at the summer project. I made a marionette from scratch with moving limbs. Made the face. Painted it. A lot of parts in it took a lot of thinking, trying, inventing, experimenting, and failing. And succeeding. Repeat.
My father sees what I was doing, and he asks my sister if she too needs a summer project. He basically goes ahead and makes a marionette in a few minutes that looks like it came from an antique shop. At home and at school, no one even so much as glanced at mine.
Back then, I just felt sad and hurt.
Today, can I be sure that I wouldn’t have tried to bring down my sister? saying “She got dad to do it. She didn’t do any of it herself!”  I can’t.
Right now, you’re thinking “But she did get Dad’s help. She does need to be brought down.”
By that logic, this mortgage guy who did nothing wrong, doesn’t deserve to be brought down.
Even my sister doesn’t deserve that. She had nothing to do with it. My dad went ahead and took control. My sister is just as much a victim of this as I was, and bringing her down is completely unjust and unfair.
The point I think I’m trying to make is this.
NO ONE makes you feel insecure. Your insecurity may be triggered by someone else’s action or choice. But they don’t make you feel insecure. They have nothing to do with your feeling bad about yourself. You’re the only person who compares you to them. He is one person who climbed the Everest. You’re one of one billion people who never even though to try. No one thought less of you.
When you feel so bad about yourself that you try to take them down when they’ve done nothing to you, that’s when…