Accountability Challenge

Here is the challenge.

  1. Think of the most recent (or current) argument you’re having with your loved one (parent, sibling, friend, spouse, coworker).
  2. Write it down your complaint.
  3. Draft a statement removing  assignment of blame and taking ownership of your accountability in the conflict.
  4. Take full ownership of your accountability in the conflict. This may take a few re-writes.

Examples look like this.

  1. My boyfriend said he’d be home by 10. He texted me at 10 saying he was leaving. He didn’t get home till 1 am.
  2. He disappointed me when he said he was going to be home by 10 and he wasn’t.
  3. I was disappointed because he wasn’t home when he said he would be. I guess I should have known better than believe his words.
  4. i) I was disappointed when I chose to believe his ETA even though he’s never been on time in 3 years I’d known him.
    ii) I let myself get disappointed when I chose to believe his ETA even though I knew him well enough not to.

    This is often where people stop. No, not done yet…

    iii) I know the guy, I know his habits. I got mad at him for something I totally knew he’d do. Sure, he promised last night that he’s finally heard me and this time it’s different. But, deep down, I never did believe his ETA, and I am overwhelmed with the urge to defend my anger at him for being late. This means the anger is not a direct result of his actions.
    I was probably already upset and angry about something else – possibly at something he did last week, my childhood, or even the lack of my control over his flaws, or my life not turning out like a fairy tale. And I was looking for an outlet I could justify. He was the convenient target because he did come home late and because, no matter how unfairly I treat him, he wouldn’t leave me.

Now, that’s the accountability challenge. Can you tell FULL accountability?

Anyone who wants the fights to stop must take accountability.


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